December 2010...the changes are big...

I am going to scratch something out here...come hell or high water. I will for a moment ignore the mountains of work left to do, forgive myself for my rusty writing skills and just write something already.

We are doing it. We are moving our family across this great land from our most urban of nests here in San Francisco, to the small little town of my childhood.

I can hardly believe it. The past few weeks have been a blur of packing, saying goodbye, anxiety attacks, joy, sorrow, excitement with a pinch of honest to goodness fear thrown in. I can hardly believe it. Did I say that already?

Everything feels intense and bittersweet, packing up this home of mine. A place I have lived for my entire adult life. Sifting through memories and objects and emotions. Feeling numb then feeling everything like a punch in the gut. I don't think it will truly begin to sink in until I am walking out the door with the boxes piled high around me. If then.

So much to look forward to in our future...family, nature, seasons, home. But so much to mourn from the present....friends, community, security, comfort. I think I will do this, this writing thing. Try my best to capture what is most real about this transition, share it with those who think of doing the same thing or just love us enough to care.

I am struck with how much going "home" feels at once comforting and familiar yet terrifying and unknown. But we are doing it. Leaving the city and heading out to a frontier of our own making.

I have never experienced anything as excruciating that feels as right.

What a difference a couple of months makes...

This boy is something else....he never ceases to amaze with his drive towards mobility. (love the head bonk on the camera at the end...Papa was at the helm).

The boy is mobile!

Unbelievable....our boy turned six months last week and this week has taken it upon himself to really start crawling. A full month earlier than his sister did (I just went back and checked the blog). He has been working towards this moment for at least a month now. I can't even believe how determined he is. I am seriously in trouble with this one. He was rolling his way around the room at four months...sitting for real and without needing any help by five months and now this. As you might imagine Bert is beside himself with pride. You see we are always hearing that Stashu looks just like Rhea and that Rhea looks just like me....but the physical determination and finesse that both these kids have is all Bert. So check it out (please ignore the super dark video and the floor littered with playsilks, baskets and all manner of wood toys)

Not bad huh? Yep..that's our boy.

Playing Santa

Rhea's love affair with Christmas continues. She has taken to "playing Santa" which is a delightful game which entails filling up bags with presents, placing them in the corner of the room where our Christmas tree used to be and watching with unabashed enthusiasm as you "open" your presents.


This game can go on and on and on she really never tires of it. Here are the spoils of a recent Santa adventure...

So sweet. Somehow my favorite part is the fact that she places them in the corner where our tree used to stand..somehow the mid century stereo cabinet works just fine in place of a glittering Christmas tree. The beauty of imagination.

In Stashu related news we are semi-mobile! That's right this little guy has taken to steam rolling around the living room to get to his intended destination. Hilarious. I wish I had video of this in action. I keep trying but he already has enough of an awareness that the little black thing in my hand is doing something different so he probably should stop and stare instead of move around. Instead I will share this picture of him pre-roll and lounging (if the definition of lounging meant high pitched happy screaming and arm flailing) on a blanket with Dawson.


I love his "little boy" hair style with the bangs brushed off to the side. The heart stretches further and grows more...yet again.

Early morning sweet baby overload...

I almost feel as though these pictures need no text. They are just so beautiful to me.


During a quiet nursing moment earlier today, I began reflecting on how much love my girl has for her brother. She LOVES this little guy...she really, really does. I was so worried about how Rhea might adjust to her new sibling and the reality of sharing me with a very needy little bundle of cries, bodily functions and nonstop nursing. But even in the earliest of stages before he became the master of the winning smile shown above, it was a very smooth and natural transition. In fact if I suggest "Mama and Rhea" adventures she always tell me they sound great...but then will inevitably wonder if we could bring Stashu along too. Same goes for story telling when I dream up intricate stories she will always insist that Stashu is given a staring role. It is just so heartwarming.

I'm hoping all this goodwill remains as he becomes more mobile, grabby and starts slobbering all over her toys.

I have decided to simply enjoy and treasure this time. I figure Rhea is building a very solid foundation of love from which all future interactions, both positive and negative, can eventually play out. At the very least I will have these words to remind her of her pure and sweet three year old rapture. What a beautiful thing to behold.

Nourishing Mama....

It begins tomorrow. My new pact with myself (and my good friend Shannon) that I'm taking time to get myself a little more back to...well...myself. This is not a New Years resolution nor is this simply about dropping the extra "baby weight" I am carrying.

This is about taking care of myself so that I can better take care of those around me.

It is so important to me that I model positive behavior for my children. But as a mother of a little girl, I am especially mindful that my own strengths, weaknesses, hang-ups, body issues...god you name it...can become a direct pipeline to my baby girl's developing psyche. With the rest of this world giving her ridiculous information about women and their bodies I know that I need to be careful I don't unwittingly reinforce the message.

So the F word is banned in the house (Ask Auntie Mary she will tell you..no fat talk in these parts). Compliments are accepted graciously without self effacing disclaimers (not easy sometimes). And we are generous with each other in noticing and celebrating our accomplishments. For the most part.

I am posting this here not only because of the public accountability factor but also to remind myself of why it is important for me to feel back in the strength of my body. This is not about reaching a certain size but about reclaiming that physically strong and active person I had been for so many years and introducing her to the Mama I have become. It's about bringing the best of both of these parts together for myself and for my girl.

Twenty Ten

So here we go...2010. I would like to state for the record that this is going to be our year. I am sure it is going to be a year of laughter, growth and dare I say prosperity. We all have it coming to us as far as I can figure....I mean honestly, how can you argue with this group of mugs?

We have Rhea's new baby as a stand in for Stashu...he was peacefully sleeping but was with us in spirit. Bring it on 2010....