29 hours and counting....

Rhea will see her Grammy again and hear her lovely voice.

Rub a dub dub...memorial day scrub

Preface

Sunday evening...the girl is blessedly asleep...and when the girl is asleep things feel right with the world.

We are getting ready for our first overnight trip as a family...leaving on Wednesday for a week! All the way back to Massachusetts...on a plane...for six hours...did I mention we had to take our girl with us...on that plane...for six hours???? Though I do have some trepidation about the traveling it is going to take to get there, I am so very excited to think about bringing Rhea home to New England. Even though I know that she will have no conscious recollection of this journey, it is important for me to make this trip. I'm looking forward to bringing her to the home I grew up in (which is currently housing some very excited grandparents) and introducing her to what can best be described as her Telepciak side of the family. Hopefully I can bank on her subconscious hanging onto the positive feelings of love, adoration, and the beauty of summertime in New England she is sure to experience.

I had heard it said countless times before Rhea was born that having a baby changes everything...and depending on who you talked to it was described as either the beginning or the end. While I will admit that there are chapters of my life that were brought to an end on December 3rd 2006, before they ended I would have thought I'd have missed them more. Honestly I miss certain things some...such as sleeping when I want to without interruption and the body I used to have...but I must say I am way more on the beginning end of things. Because loving this baby has brought a new way of interacting with the world.

I feel as though becoming a parent has sharpened my senses...even everyday experiences seem to carry more weight. I see things through the eyes of a mother now...and for a woman who was on the heavy end of empathetic and sentimental to begin with lets just say it's like going through life in Technicolor. I'm struggling with describing this accurately but it's as if I feel more connected to humanity in general...the father walking the supermarket aisle with his daughter, grandparents pushing a stroller through the park, siblings chasing each other down the street. I know, I know...it is all a bit over the top...but I'll tell you something...I really feel it. And I know I'm not alone. Tonight Bert and I were watching a sweet and sappy movie (I will keep the name to myself to maintain his confidentiality) and at a particularly sweet and sappy point he turned to me to see if I had tears in my eyes, which of course I did. He then commented that he was touched by my "sweetness" and it made him think of Rhea and imagine that she would be moved by sweet things too...because she was half mine. It's like that with almost everything...and it truly does enhance the day to day of life.

Which brings me back to the excitement I feel about bringing Rhea home to New England...I have spent the last three days getting teary eyed thinking about the moment that I can put Rhea in my Mom's arms and sit together at the kitchen table and talk while the background noise of my Dad's ham radio wafts up from the cellar...I think about walking her through Nola's gardens so she can appreciate the beauty that can be created by human hands (not just any hands but the hands of people I love)...I imagine dipping her feet in the water at Packard's and listening to Charlie call her "terrible cute"...I see her by my side while celebrating my other babies growing up...Josie off to conquer the world and Alex, my sweet Caca...graduating high school. I see her being won over by John aka the baby whisperer. I imagine the quiet smile of Dax contrasting with what I'm sure will be Jake's instinctive baby friendly talk and goofy face making. I think of all these things and I feel so excited and alive and connected.

I know I'm not the first to feel these things and that my wonder at the changes taking place in my life has been explored, discussed and written about by many a parent...but the reality is it doesn't matter...it's new to me and certainly worth recognizing and opening myself up to. All this said, perhaps the sweetest realization of all is that this is just the beginning of beginning....

The night shift

Saturday morning after a seriously challenging evening. Poor little bean was unable to stay asleep and was awake (very uncharacteristically) from 7-10 p.m.! I tried everything short of back flips and a shot of whiskey to get her back to sleep. Including, but not limited to, nursing, rocking, teething tablets, changing positions, getting into bed with her, a pacifier (I was running out of tricks and admittedly that was a long shot as she has never really cared for the pacifier), taking several deep breathes and pleading with her to do the same (that request fell on deaf ears I'm afraid). I could tell her mouth was bothering her as she tossed and turned and tried to fit both fists in there...in fact the way she was thrashing I wouldn't be surprised if she was trying to fit her feet into her mouth as well. Then her crowning moment came when she spit up all over herself and the lambskin she sleeps on (I was probably over nursing her trying to give her some kind of comfort). So then it was time for a complete bed and clothing change.

I took a few more of those deep breaths (Rhea still stubbornly refused) and reminded myself that this is what mothering was all about...that she needed me and I was going to do what it took to make sure she got some sleep and if she couldn't sleep then I would at least comfort her during her wakefulness. I was contemplating stretching out my hamstrings for those back flips when she began to settle down during the wardrobe change...it was almost as if we were resetting the clock and doing bedtime all over again. She quieted down as I changed her and was so sweet as I was changing her sheepskin...she sat on the bed looking somewhat dazed and began quietly babbling. I felt as though she was telling me all about her troubles getting to sleep. I sympathized with her and reassured her that I was sticking it out with her no matter what it took.

We cuddled back into bed, I pulled her close to me and she finally fell asleep...and so did I.

In through the nose...out through the mouth

Where does it come from...that amazing baby smell? Who knew it was possible to feel a smell all the way to your bones? The very top of Rhea's head is my favorite place on earth...I wish I could pitch a tent and live there. I can only imagine that the smell of your baby is a physiological wonder because just the thought of it makes me certain I could move mountains. If need be.

My favorite moments these days are when she holds still enough for me to steal a couple of deep breaths...her little body warm and solid as she leans back into me...I hold her tight...just breathing. Our girl has become so active that these moments remain rare enough to be recognized each time they occur as something indescribably precious. Rhea has taught me that there are so many ways to fall in love.

Sunrise....Sunset

Lets take a moment and remember newborn Rhea...all big eyes and quiet staring. I remember the care with which we held her...supporting her neck and making sure she was always safe and secure. If her eyes held mine for more than a split second it was as if I could physically feel that maternal bond deepening and pulling her closer to me. Those passing glances felt as though they lasted an eternity and were far too fleeting all at the same time.


Now lets take a moment to see how she has grown...

Baby Couture

Another shipment has arrived from Grammy Galleria! I think this posting speaks for itself...I mean honestly.

Selective memory

Well I think it has actually happened...the aches and pains of being pregnant...the unfathomable reality that is labor...my disbelief that there could actually be a population problem given the way you had to bring new people into the world and my vow that the next child to enter our family would be carried through the front door...all these memories and sentiments have grown dim.

I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy and delivery which is probably a combination of getting together with our birth group and spending time with my friend Shannon who is just shy of 27 weeks pregnant. We spent our time talking about how she was feeling..hopes and fears etc. I was able to share my experience of pregnancy and labor and delivery from the standpoint of a Mama (almost six months down the road) with an amazing little girl. Now as most of you know my pregnancy was anything but uneventful...I did not have the glow, or the shine, or whatever the heck it is that makes pregnant women so special...I did have killer morning sickness and any number of uncomfortable physical reactions to growing a human. But there I was sitting in my living room looking at my pregnant friend and I began to remember only the very good things...

In the middle of all this feel good nostalgia...her baby kicked...and I got to feel it. I remembered with a pang the times when I felt kicks and jabs and I was reminded that there was a BABY....a baby INSIDE of ME!!! I'm not sure I will be able to capture with words how it feels to think back on those kicks now that I know who made them. Now that I know that all of those kicks and jabs were made by the same little feet that I kiss every day, or the same little hands that grab handfuls of my hair...I feel somehow retroactively protective of her...thinking of her floating around in there so small and vulnerable...busily growing and moving and feeling the boundaries of the womb. I have heard it said that there is nothing like your first pregnancy and that it is special in a way that later pregnancies are not...but I'm thinking that second (third, fourth etc.) pregnancies would bring their own joys...a better understanding of what was really going on inside of you and an enhanced ability to connect with the movement within. The real knowledge that every kick is attached to a little foot that you will end up loving and kissing and being completely blown away by.

My labor was long and grueling and had some scary bits at the end...but I think I took that final step forward in remembering my labor and delivery...for the first time only those amazing defining moments that shoot out at me in vivid color and detail stood out:

The look on Bert's face when I told him that I was pretty sure my water had broken...

That feeling of excitement in early labor knowing that one way or another I would be meeting our baby soon...

Standing in the delivery room getting an IV for Pictocin feeling scared and defeated after 35 hours of labor and having Hai Nhu rush into the room (having just got my message from the night before) grab my shoulders and look into my eyes and tell me I was beautiful and strong that I was doing what I needed to be doing and I was going to have this baby!

Bert...so consistently just being Bert for so many hours...

Cathrine our doula and Yeshi our midwife knitting while I was in the birthing tub...

The drive by viewing of my girl on her way to be examined by the pediatricians...

Hai Nhu saying "oh Paula...she is beautiful...she is really beautiful" when I couldn't see her because she was away from me...

Hearing Bert telling the pediatricians "Hey hey be gentle be gentle! That's my Baby!"

Then finally the quiet moment when we were able to hold her and look at her and recognize her as our girl. Our little Rhea Sue.

Though there are countless other memories these are the ones that I often reflect upon and the ones I revisited when talking with Shannon about her upcoming birth. I know labor is a sensation (aka pain) like nothing I have ever felt before but I now know with a certainty that with that pain (aka sensation) comes something so amazingly and fundamentally life altering that I can honestly say all else pales in comparison.

She's got the whole world in her hands

Well it's Monday morning and Rhea is down for her first nap of the day. I am feeling very hopeful that she is getting better at this sleeping thing as I was able to leave the room while her eyes were still open...I heard her through the monitor for a bit quietly talking to herself...but given the lack of noise for the past five minutes I dare say she is sleeping. On her own. Without me.

We had our Bradley reunion yesterday which was really good fun. Met the babies and watched the other couples baby wrangling and being parents. Rhea was the first born of the group so she was the sitting up, grabbing with intention, interactive, smaller baby manhandling star.

I had a bout of "Mama guilt" towards the end of the evening though...before I describe why let me give a bit of a background on my recognition of the Mama guilt phenomenon. We belong to an amazing pediatric practice in Mill Valley which is many wonderful things..a practice that combines western medicine with alternative care, including herbal remedies and classifical homeopathy, a warm and inviting place, and as nurturing for parents as it is for children. As you may imagine there are many fliers and pamphlets in the waiting room for any number of things spiritually and nutritionally focused. I remember seeing a flier for a workshop dedicated to resolving "mother guilt" and shifting your parenting focus out of this guilt laden place. Truth be told I rolled my eyes and thought "Just another self indulgent workshop for the Marin mom crowd...for crying out loud..Mother guilt" (quick side bar to any Marin Mom's that might be reading this...I'm sure some of my quick dismissal stems from absolute envy) I didn't even finish reading the flier but the header alone seeped into my consciousness and I started to notice all the times I was feeling guilty for things I had little or no control over. Example: Driving in the car Rhea finally falls asleep...a fire engine goes by and wakes her up...how may you ask would that make me feel guilty? Well if I was any kind of mother I wouldn't have her in the car in the first place but home in her comfy bed blissfully sleeping. You get the picture? It is amazing how many scenarios one can adapt to fit the "if I was any kind of mother" format.

So when Rhea began to show signs of tiredness late afternoon while we were still socializing and relaying birth stories...my Mama guilt started to rear it's ugly head. I tried to remind myself that I had spent the entire morning ensuring that Rhea had solid naps so that if she missed her last one it wouldn't be too dastardly...I tried to nurse her but she was distracted by the other babies melting down at the end of the afternoon (sweet bean can't stand to hear other babies cry..it really upsets her)...I tried to hold her and sway which worked really well until another baby started screeching and she would screw her face up and look at me like "are you kidding me with this???" Luckily I have the ultimate Mama guilt antidote...and that would be Papa...he took her outside into the fresh air and sat her on the grass which turned everything around. She was still tired and still on the verge of losing it...but she didn't and she managed to last the rest of the evening and we still got her to bed on time with little difficulty.

Sometimes I buckle under the weight of realizing that this is just the beginning...that I have years and years of feeling that my child's happiness and well being is directly related to my ability to effectively mother her. I am thankful for that brief glimpse of flier...reminding me that not only would excess Mama guilt make both of us crazy in the end, but also that we have very little control over where life leads our little one. I know how important it is that we do our best to give her a foundation of love and strength...but the reality is that what the world throws at her and what she makes of it have quite a bit to do with her experience of happiness and well being.

That being said I hope the foundation makes her strong and that she knows that her Mama and Papa will always be there for her...sharing her joys and supporting her through her sorrows. Even if right now the extent of that sorrow is a missed afternoon nap.

A sore gummed junkie

Sunday Morning...my favorite morning of the week. Bert gets up with Rhea and lets me sleep the hour to two hour time period until her first nap. Then he brings me the bean and she snuggles in with me while I nurse her and get her to sleep. Which means that I not only get some much needed sleep but I also get to snuggle with my girl AND then get up and have a morning coffee in peace because she is asleep. Sunday morning's are glorious.

We have a reunion with our Bradley class this afternoon...it is the first time we have gotten together since all the babies have been born. I am really excited to meet all the little ones on the "outside" and hear everyone's story and experience of being new parents.

I have been suspecting that Rhea is teething (cranky, drooling, chewing on everything in sight) and if there was any doubt that this is the case, I think these pictures will speak a thousand words. Here she is with the bottle of her teething tablets...she actually starts smacking her lips when she hears the bottle shake....and I can tell you these babies do not taste all that good (I tried one) so I'm thinking they have to be soothing her on some level.

Rhea's Bamboo bike

Papa here on Sunday morning with the girl.....just waiting for the day when we go on our Sunday morning rides on this!
I have emailed Craig about building us a bamboo tandem and he said he just brought back two sets of extra large bamboo for a couple of tandems, so we could get the first one!!...We are still talking about how to attach the kiddie crank adapters to the stoker's seat tube. Craig says that it would not work on the bamboo because the outside diameter is not consistent, but an aluminum tube would be fine. I'll post any updates on this project.

Spills and Thrills

Well it is Saturday afternoon...and I'm attempting to write this entry on a seriously disfigured laptop. Bert and Rhea had a bit of an accident involving coffee...a cord...and our laptop...my keys get stuck now and again and the punctuation is all off but I'm hoping by some miracle this will remedy itself (because a good two hours of Bert taking everything apart didn't really seem to do the trick) I didn't realize until this happened how emotionally attached I am to the computer...I guess I feel like it is my link to the outside world and checking email and such makes me feel "normal"...like all the rest of the folks out there at work...funny.

Last night was a tough one for our little bean...she slept like a pro until about 2:00 a.m. then decided it was time to be awake. And by awake I mean arms flailing...legs kicking...high pitched squealing and talking awake. Brutal. She eventually got back to sleep but I somehow didn't and drifted fitfully in and out of sleep until it was time to get up. I had one of those mornings when I felt nauseated by the lack of sleep and by the knowledge that I was getting up to drag my sorry butt to PILATES. Not just any pilates....torturous and evil pilates.

We decided to lay low today and as I write Bert and Rhea are taking an afternoon nap together. I have to tell you...there is really nothing like seeing the two of them so sweet and comfy...It warms my heart and makes me so sure that this girl is going to get the absolute best that the two of us can give her. Her Papa loves her so very much...he makes up songs and can often quiet her fussing with a chorus or two of her personal favorite. "so many pee-pee's and not so many poo-poo's" Those are the only lyrics for the song...I think Bert is a brilliant composer. Who knew that those nonsense words would bring such satisfaction.

Rhea continues to astound and amaze on a daily basis...her new trick is standing up while holding onto the bed unassisted. She grabs onto two of the brass rails and just chills (if by just chilling I mean squealing about how cool she is to anyone who will listen...especially Stashu...she just loves that cat, he on the other hand would be happy if she just went back to where she came from) She is incredibly solid on her feet and even though I know that this is a developmental stage and that ALL babies can at some point perform a similar maneuver...it just doesn't take the shine off it. I really think some of it comes down to the look on her face when she tries something new...A look that clearly says "would you look at me...now THIS is cool".

She is mobile!

Rhea has always been a physical baby....I recall going to the pediatrician when she was just a week old and having her comment on how "in her body" this girl was. She had solid head control and was never a very "floppy" baby. She started being able to sit unassisted at about four months and by five months you could be pretty certain she wasn't going to topple over...though she does now and again.

We have been embarking on our own gentle "sleep conditioning" meaning we have been trying to help her learn how to sleep without the constant crutch of nursing so that she can feel what it's like to fall asleep on her own. I'm not ready for the full on "sleep training...cry it out" method and hope we can avoid it for both our sakes. Right before I started trying to shift her sleep patterns a bit she had begun to want to nurse until she was dead asleep..which meant that every time I tried to take the boob out of her mouth she would root around and wake herself up..even if she was already asleep. It was frustrating for both of us...and I knew we had to make a change.

I started by making sure I knew she had eaten enough (nothing like self doubt to throw a serious monkey wrench into anything you try to do with your baby) and started to stop nursing when I knew she was full but not asleep. Honestly it wasn't that difficult a transition...after a few frustrated jabs in my general direction and some complaining she started putting herself to sleep. Of course the first week was the easiest and as is true with all things to do with "baby schedules" (a laughable two words if there ever where any) things are constantly changing and she is getting more adept at ways to keep herself awake. Last night it was a constant head shaking as she started to drift to sleep. Yep...her eyes would start to close and then as if compelled by some force other than her own, her head would start quickly moving back and forth and her eyes would pop open. It was usually followed by a quick hand jab in my direction or a grabbing of my face. (when I said gentle I meant it..I stay with her until she falls asleep..eventually I will make my way out of the room before she is sleeping). But it was kind of hilarious...hilarious in a why in the world would a baby fight sleep kind of way!! I know this is normal and have read theories ranging from separation anxiety to over tiredness being the cause. When relaying this story to my good friend Hai Nhu she said her daughter Evelyn did the same exact thing which either means all babies do this or we happen to have babies equally adept at making us crazy. But in the end she eventually got herself to sleep with very little complaining. I went off to Pilates and when I returned home asked Bert how she had been...he said she had stayed asleep without issue.

So imagine my surprise when I go to get into bed and for a split second CAN'T SEE RHEA IN THE BED!!! (I will admit I had already taken my contacts out but still) When I got closer to the bed, a little panicked, I saw that she had managed to squirm her way all the way to the head of the bed and was sleeping lengthwise with her back against the wall (where the headboard would be if we had one). The crazy part is that the pillows put in place to keep her from rolling off the bed were undisturbed..she had managed to wiggle past them and get herself comfy between our two pillows. Crazy.

So it is time for phase two of the gentle sleep plan...getting her into a crib at least for naps and the first part of the night. I am ordering an organic crib mattress today (I have read many scary articles about the chemicals in baby mattresses) and will start with that phase after we get back from vacation.

She slept great last night though...and so did I. The world is looking like a beautiful place again.

Joining the mamablog ranks

It's official...honestly it could have been declared after so many other moves...the endless picture taking, the asking of Bert "do you really think she is as cute as we think she is...or are we blinded by love...I mean can we even look at her objectively"...to which he seriously replied that he thought we should send her picture to Gerber, the eager and happy purchase of a mini-van...but all of these choices and changes aside the single most decisive leap into all encompassing parenthood? The "Mama Loves Her Miraculous And Gifted Baby" Blog.

I found myself drawn to these blogs when I became pregnant and suddenly felt distracted and restless at work (not to mention sick, sick, sick..it really took three sicks for that one..who knew it could be so unpleasant). They helped me begin to bridge the unfathomable divide between freewheeling working lady to full time Mama...and provided countless hours of seemingly never ending procrastination...reading about how so and so survived morning sickness, labor and those first months of parenting....and the greatest reward for all those things was a miraculous and gifted baby.

So here it is...my ode to all things Rhea and motherhood and parenthood...the good the less than good and the sometimes ugly (Referring to myself of course...Rhea never even comes close to sometimes ugly).



Of course I only expect my family and friends to read these postings...which takes some of the heat off this still often stumbling "mommy brain"...which for the record I would like to state is a completely legitimate phenomenon. I honestly have difficulty stringing sentences together sometimes and struggle to find common words...today's word search? Tape measurer. Yep..couldn't for the life of me think of what that handy device was called. Luckily Bert has gotten good at filling in the blanks when I desperately ask for "that thingy...you know that THINGY!!

Rhea just woke from her afternoon nap and is sitting on my lap happily pushing the right and left click buttons on the computer. Poor little bean has been teething (or so we think given her normally super sweet disposition has given way to crabby and uncomfortable) but she woke from her nap looking like the baby I know and love...all full body smiles and drooly kisses. I have decided there is nothing more sweet than a contented baby sitting in your lap while you write. Course she is using the camera as a teething toy...probably time to stop writing about mothering and get back to it!