My mom has always had this knack...knowing something was going on for me even if sometimes I didn't even know it myself...just hearing my Mom's voice can bring whatever I am struggling with right to the surface. She just knew, from the slight change in tone in my voice, that the ok I was giving her (which had I uttered to almost anyone else, would have been absolute assurance that I was indeed ok) wasn't really an ok. The next sentence out of her mouth being..."How are you really doing...that didn't sound ok".
How does she do this? What is it about my Mom that gives her the ability to see me the way I need to be seen?
Well first of all, my Mother is honestly an extraordinary woman. The things I like the best about myself I know I've learned from her...such as a sense of empathy, a willingness to step in and help others, and the ability to authentically connect with the people I love. My Mom is the person you want on your side...always.
Secondly...she is my Mother. She too spent countless hours worrying while I was sick, hours awake at night if I wasn't sleeping, she wondered and tried and sometimes felt like she did the best thing and sometimes worried that she could have done better. She went through the same learning curve of a becoming a parent, had the same desire to pour everything she had into trying to assure that I had what I needed and then some. She felt the same pulled heart strings when I was scared or feeling badly, and knew from a glance at me if something was not quite right.
Sometimes I feel like this new parent thing is overwhelming on so many levels...figuring out your new life, your new relationship with your partner, your new ability to love something so fiercely that it sometimes scares the bejesus out of you. Everything feels new and can seem somewhat ominous...the responsibility of it weighing so heavily. It's easy to forget that all of these experiences, as earth shatteringly singular and specific to your situation as they feel in the moment, have been negotiated, for better or worse, by many before you. And perhaps most importantly, by your own parents...I feel as though I'm finally getting what it means to be a daughter in a way that I would had never known if I hadn't become a mother.
I have always considered myself lucky to know that I was wanted and loved very deeply by my parents. I never had any doubts about that...but I can honestly say that until I became a parent myself, I didn't really know how deep of a love that really was. It's finally dawning on me that the love I feel for my girl...that is how much love my mother has for me. It's funny to think of it in terms of my Mom loving me as much as I love Rhea. Because that really is an awful lot of love. Kind of puts a whole new spin on all the teenage angst and growing pains we went through together. Then there is the reality that I'm only nine months into the mothering thing...my Mom has been at it for thirty some odd years.
Our conversation was exactly what I needed. My mom listened to me, validated what I was feeling, and knew what to say to make things seem right. We talked about mothering and what that meant in terms of keeping a family close and happy, we talked about my doubts and my fears, my body's reaction to several sleepless nights and my resulting emotional tiredness. By the end of the conversation I felt so much lighter and in control. I knew that my experiences were valid and I wasn't crazy...I knew that the road forward had been paved for me by many, many women who have felt similar feelings and faced similar challenges.
My mother...she is still mothering me so many years later. All the blood sweat and tears (and of course love, light and laughter) of our years together paying off in the most wonderful of ways. I only hope that I can be for Rhea what my mother is for me. Then I will know that I have done my job right.
1 comment:
The world needs more moms like this!
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