She's got the whole world in her hands

Well it's Monday morning and Rhea is down for her first nap of the day. I am feeling very hopeful that she is getting better at this sleeping thing as I was able to leave the room while her eyes were still open...I heard her through the monitor for a bit quietly talking to herself...but given the lack of noise for the past five minutes I dare say she is sleeping. On her own. Without me.

We had our Bradley reunion yesterday which was really good fun. Met the babies and watched the other couples baby wrangling and being parents. Rhea was the first born of the group so she was the sitting up, grabbing with intention, interactive, smaller baby manhandling star.

I had a bout of "Mama guilt" towards the end of the evening though...before I describe why let me give a bit of a background on my recognition of the Mama guilt phenomenon. We belong to an amazing pediatric practice in Mill Valley which is many wonderful things..a practice that combines western medicine with alternative care, including herbal remedies and classifical homeopathy, a warm and inviting place, and as nurturing for parents as it is for children. As you may imagine there are many fliers and pamphlets in the waiting room for any number of things spiritually and nutritionally focused. I remember seeing a flier for a workshop dedicated to resolving "mother guilt" and shifting your parenting focus out of this guilt laden place. Truth be told I rolled my eyes and thought "Just another self indulgent workshop for the Marin mom crowd...for crying out loud..Mother guilt" (quick side bar to any Marin Mom's that might be reading this...I'm sure some of my quick dismissal stems from absolute envy) I didn't even finish reading the flier but the header alone seeped into my consciousness and I started to notice all the times I was feeling guilty for things I had little or no control over. Example: Driving in the car Rhea finally falls asleep...a fire engine goes by and wakes her up...how may you ask would that make me feel guilty? Well if I was any kind of mother I wouldn't have her in the car in the first place but home in her comfy bed blissfully sleeping. You get the picture? It is amazing how many scenarios one can adapt to fit the "if I was any kind of mother" format.

So when Rhea began to show signs of tiredness late afternoon while we were still socializing and relaying birth stories...my Mama guilt started to rear it's ugly head. I tried to remind myself that I had spent the entire morning ensuring that Rhea had solid naps so that if she missed her last one it wouldn't be too dastardly...I tried to nurse her but she was distracted by the other babies melting down at the end of the afternoon (sweet bean can't stand to hear other babies cry..it really upsets her)...I tried to hold her and sway which worked really well until another baby started screeching and she would screw her face up and look at me like "are you kidding me with this???" Luckily I have the ultimate Mama guilt antidote...and that would be Papa...he took her outside into the fresh air and sat her on the grass which turned everything around. She was still tired and still on the verge of losing it...but she didn't and she managed to last the rest of the evening and we still got her to bed on time with little difficulty.

Sometimes I buckle under the weight of realizing that this is just the beginning...that I have years and years of feeling that my child's happiness and well being is directly related to my ability to effectively mother her. I am thankful for that brief glimpse of flier...reminding me that not only would excess Mama guilt make both of us crazy in the end, but also that we have very little control over where life leads our little one. I know how important it is that we do our best to give her a foundation of love and strength...but the reality is that what the world throws at her and what she makes of it have quite a bit to do with her experience of happiness and well being.

That being said I hope the foundation makes her strong and that she knows that her Mama and Papa will always be there for her...sharing her joys and supporting her through her sorrows. Even if right now the extent of that sorrow is a missed afternoon nap.