I have been thinking a lot about pregnancy and delivery which is probably a combination of getting together with our birth group and spending time with my friend Shannon who is just shy of 27 weeks pregnant. We spent our time talking about how she was feeling..hopes and fears etc. I was able to share my experience of pregnancy and labor and delivery from the standpoint of a Mama (almost six months down the road) with an amazing little girl. Now as most of you know my pregnancy was anything but uneventful...I did not have the glow, or the shine, or whatever the heck it is that makes pregnant women so special...I did have killer morning sickness and any number of uncomfortable physical reactions to growing a human. But there I was sitting in my living room looking at my pregnant friend and I began to remember only the very good things...
In the middle of all this feel good nostalgia...her baby kicked...and I got to feel it. I remembered with a pang the times when I felt kicks and jabs and I was reminded that there was a BABY....a baby INSIDE of ME!!! I'm not sure I will be able to capture with words how it feels to think back on those kicks now that I know who made them. Now that I know that all of those kicks and jabs were made by the same little feet that I kiss every day, or the same little hands that grab handfuls of my hair...I feel somehow retroactively protective of her...thinking of her floating around in there so small and vulnerable...busily growing and moving and feeling the boundaries of the womb. I have heard it said that there is nothing like your first pregnancy and that it is special in a way that later pregnancies are not...but I'm thinking that second (third, fourth etc.) pregnancies would bring their own joys...a better understanding of what was really going on inside of you and an enhanced ability to connect with the movement within. The real knowledge that every kick is attached to a little foot that you will end up loving and kissing and being completely blown away by.
My labor was long and grueling and had some scary bits at the end...but I think I took that final step forward in remembering my labor and delivery...for the first time only those amazing defining moments that shoot out at me in vivid color and detail stood out:
The look on Bert's face when I told him that I was pretty sure my water had broken...
That feeling of excitement in early labor knowing that one way or another I would be meeting our baby soon...
Standing in the delivery room getting an IV for Pictocin feeling scared and defeated after 35 hours of labor and having Hai Nhu rush into the room (having just got my message from the night before) grab my shoulders and look into my eyes and tell me I was beautiful and strong that I was doing what I needed to be doing and I was going to have this baby!
Bert...so consistently just being Bert for so many hours...
Cathrine our doula and Yeshi our midwife knitting while I was in the birthing tub...
The drive by viewing of my girl on her way to be examined by the pediatricians...
Hai Nhu saying "oh Paula...she is beautiful...she is really beautiful" when I couldn't see her because she was away from me...
Hearing Bert telling the pediatricians "Hey hey be gentle be gentle! That's my Baby!"
Then finally the quiet moment when we were able to hold her and look at her and recognize her as our girl. Our little Rhea Sue.
Though there are countless other memories these are the ones that I often reflect upon and the ones I revisited when talking with Shannon about her upcoming birth. I know labor is a
sensation (aka pain) like nothing I have ever felt before but I now know with a certainty that with that pain (aka sensation) comes something so amazingly and fundamentally life altering that I can honestly say all else pales in comparison.
5 comments:
Nothing like a nice little tearjerker to start your day! Thanks for the beautiful ode to pregnancy and labor and birth... Pretty timely too, because last night I had the weirdest dream that you and I were both pregnant again! We were both around 7 months - that period when your body is heavy and cumbersome but you don't quite feel like you would kill for just one moment of pain free sitting/standing/sleeping/anything involving gravity (i.e. everything).
Those are a few of my favorite memories too. Some others include: The quiet lull (if you can call it that) before the Pitocin kicked in and Catherine rebraiding your hair; The intensity in your eyes during the hardest of those Pitocin-edged contractions, in which I can see your determination and strength to make it through; Your characteristic refusal to stop repeating "Yes" during contractions!; The whole group of us moving out in the hallway so you can see and hold Evelyn (since she wasn't allowed in the delivery room); My popping out of the room every once in a while to feed Evelyn and talk to John, and knowing that the two of them were there to help Rhea enter this world too.
We joke that men have it so easy, not having to go through all that, but I wouldn't trade it for anything!
I feel so lucky to have had you there with me Hai Nhu...and thank you for adding memories. John better watch out because you keep having those baby themed dreams!
er, I just realized I meant to say "your characteristic refusal to continue repeating 'Yes'..." :) I'm sure you knew what I meant!
Damm I need to clean my salty contacts now
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